A random writing, or ranting...
I have heard a thousand times, at least, that you cannot have two opposing feelings at the same time. I have, at least a thousand. I have heard that you cannot begin, until you are willing to let go. I have also heard that each ending is a new beginning. Everyone tells you that there is this, or there is that, but until you are there you will never really know.
I am so scared. I am so happy. I am searching for a way that things do not have end, in order for this new to begin. I am gripping on to you, realizing that you were never really there. That is what is most frightful for me, the knowing that I held on for so long to nothing. I am searching way deep inside of me now, wondering do I really know how to connect? Am I really able to recreate what I thought I had, but actually have it this time?
I never really had a best friend. This is something that is new to me as well. I realize that the connections I made were made only for the reason to have them. I never let anyone in; they will just leave me in the end. So I let them in just enough to make them think they know me, the truth is I am not really sure anyone ever could.
I have had moments, I have had the thought that I would, should, or could change this. I realize that I cannot, will not, or maybe I just should not. It is like there is this constant argument going on inside of my head. I want to know someone and have them know me in return. I should let someone hear about my hopes and dreams, but I should not let them know why I am dreaming these things. I would let someone love me, but would only let them know the piece of me that is willing to let them go.
I like this one, reminds me a lot of a Garth Brooks song. The biggest question is why you are doing this, it may be that you do not feel you deserve to be loved, which is why you feel so sure it will end. After all, if they leave you it doesn't mean so much because they didn't know the real you. It could be that what you fear the most, isn't someone leaving you and the pain it causes so much as really letting someone in and finding out you are not good enough for them. This would only confirm the belief you have that you are not good enough. Regardless, it is really yourself you punish by doing this. Do you truly believe it is possible to love someone without letting them in? I don't see how it is possible to truly feel loved without it. You really punish yourself more than anyone else, denying yourself what it feels like to truly be loved for who you are. You need to worry about the things you can control, and you cannot control whether someone stays or leaves. What you can control to a large extent is what you get from the relationship. Is a relationship only worth having if it lasts forever? Focus on enjoying the time you have with someone, and don't personalize things if it ends. I mean if someone died, would you look back at that relationship and think it was wasted time? Should it really make a difference why the person is not in your life in how you look back at your time with them? You need time of course either way, but in the end you should try to hold on to the love you had for the person. I think you need to learn to love yourself more, and then you won't take it so personally. Anyway, not really sure how long ago you wrote this, and some of what I said is from reading your other stuff. You should keep writing, I think it will help you a lot in letting go and deciding how you want to move forward. Just follow these two rules of life: First, Do not sweat the small stuff and second, it is all small stuff. Sorry for the poor structure, but this tiny box is kinda hard to write in...lol
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